Consciousness came slowly back to Chris. Light was shining uncomfortably through her eyelids. She wanted to turn away from the light, but she could not move. Suddenly, she remembered there was something she needed to say to someone. Something very important. She remembered what it was. The surgery. She had changed her mind. She had wanted to say, "Don't do the surgery!" With an effort, she opened her eyes. A blurred image slowly came into focus. There was a nurse sitting there, smiling at her. There was a dull sense of pain from somewhere on her body. She tried to speak, but she could not form any words.

Chris concentrated with all her might, and tried again. " I... don't... want... the..." The words came so slow and were barely more than mumbles. She tried harder. "The surgery...." The last words came out better. She repeated, "The surgery." This time it came out clearly. She could feel herself getting control of her body rapidly now. She could move her hands. And her toes. She could locate the pain now. It was somewhere between her hips.

The nurse said, still smiling, "It's all over, honey. The operation went just fine. You're one hundred per cent girl now. Now, What were you saying?"

'Too late,' Chris thought in dismay. She slid her hand down her body and felt the heavy dressing that covered the area below her waist. "Nothing," she mumbled as she closed her eyes. "Nothing important."

* * *

Chris's stay at the hospital was over. She sat there in the conference room with her mother, wearing an old friend, the navy blue dress. The doctor, a middle aged woman, came in, greeted them and sat down at the table. Chris made a halfhearted effort to smile.

"How are you doing, honey?" she asked Chris with a warm smile on her face. Chris was tired of having everyone call her honey, but she decided not to point that out. "I'm fine," she said simply. "Everything's fine."

The doctor continued. "I would guess you're glad to be going home. And I'll bet you're glad to get that catheter out of you."

Chris had to agree. That was one thing she could be glad about. "You're right there," she said.

Evelyn said, "I am really amazed what a good job you people did. It's just about perfect. Don't you think so, Chris?"

Chris did not know what she looked like down there. She did not want to know. As long as she did not look, she did not have to face what had been done to her. So instead, she retorted. "How am I supposed to know what it's supposed to look like?"

"Well, you have a point there, " said the doctor. She seemed to be disturbed by the answer. "Is everything all right, honey? Anything you want to talk about?" Chris shook her head. "Everything's fine, " she insisted. I'm just glad I'm going home."

"The doctor continued, "It may be hard to believe, but very little tissue was sacrificed. We just did some rearranging. Chris, does it feel like everything is still there like it was before?"

"Yeah, but they feel squeezed, "Chris complained. "Real hard."

"Don't worry about that," the doctor assured her. It'll feel better once the swelling has gone down. After it's completely healed, no one will be able to detect any difference. You may feel like you haven't been rearranged, but seeing is believing."

She paused and gave Chris a big smile. Now that you don't have to hide anything any more, you can get a nice swimsuit and go swimming in public."

Chris replied tersely, "I don't really like to swim that much."

"Of course," she continued. "The urinary system is not yet normal for a female. But if you are just a little bit careful no one will notice where it comes out. Sometime in the future, we can fix that, if you wish."

Chris did not pay much attention to the conversation after that. All she wanted to do was to go home, to get away from the friendly doctor who had done these things to her. To a place where people didn't call her honey.

* * *

It was suppertime, but Chris was not hungry. After eating a few bites, she asked to be excused.

Her mother looked at her, concerned. "I think something is bothering you. I think we ought to talk about it. Can I come up to your room?"

Chris shook her head. "I'm tired. I just want to go to bed." It was clear that Evelyn did not want to leave it at that. "You remember, don't you? You were in a hurry to get your surgery over with. You remember why, don't you?"

"Sure, Mom," Chris replied tiredly. " So I don't have to worry about someone seeing something."

Mary chimed in, "And so, you'll feel more like a girl. Right?"

"Yeah, sure, "Chris said. "I really don't want to talk about it any more. " She got up from the table. "I'm going to bed now."

"Chris, I really..." Evelyn began again, but Bill cut her off.

"Let her go. Trust me on this one. Sometimes there is nothing to be said."

Chris gave her father a grateful look as she turned to go to her room. Good old Dad. Only a man could understand.

She walked slowly into her room. It looked the same as it had two weeks ago. There were posters and pictures of athletes, sports cars, and her big poster of the F14 Tomcat fighter plane. If you did not notice what was hanging in the closet, you would assume the room belonged to a boy. Except for the teddy bear poster. And a giant teddy bear leaned against the headboard. A welcome home gift from Aunt Beth.

Chris pulled open a drawer and pulled out an article of clothing, still wrapped in clear plastic. It was a lacy frilly nightgown. Also a gift from Aunt Beth. She roughly tore the plastic away from it and held it up. It was disgustingly feminine. She threw it down on the bed.

"So you want to be one hundred per cent girl, Huh Chrissie?" she berated herself. Well here's something for you to go to dreamland with. You deserve it." She quickly stripped off her clothes. Then she slipped on the nightgown.

"What's the matter, honey? Don't like the way it tickles and scratches? Make you feel real feminine, huh? Good. You wanted it, and you got it." Chris sat down hard on the side of her bed. "And now you have to look. Now!"

The hem of the nightgown was pulled up and for the first time Chris looked at what the surgeon had done to her. She remembered looking at those small, strangely shaped male organs many times in past years. Praying in vain that they would grow the way they were supposed to. And now they were gone. She carefully felt the still tender flesh. Her touch confirmed what she was seeing. The male parts were really gone. Forever.

Chris threw herself onto her bed and grabbed the teddy bear. She lay there, hugging it tightly to her chest, weeping quietly into its softness.

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